What do I say when someone has lost someone?

Many times when loss occurs to someone close to us we feel terribly inadequate to provide consolation to the one who has just entered in to the grief process. Some of the fear associated with approaching these individuals comes from the loss of words or our own feelings that we are having to deal with concerning the situation. We know it is helpful to surround and support those going through loss, but the script on what to say just does not flow naturally for us. Let me assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way.  In fact we should feel inadequate to some degree or at least we should feel humbled when entering other people's sacred space. I would like to make some suggestions concerning what to say and other suggestions on what should be precluded from those conversations with the grieving.

Helpful things to say:

   

     1.   Start off with what you are feeling yourself, personally. Don’t try to and make up

      words that the family member might be experiencing or wants to hear.

                 Put yourself in their shoes (figuratively)—what would be comforting to hear at this      moment?

     2.  Let the family member express thoughts first. Then you can add to them.

     3.  Here are some suggestions to consider :

               “What a tragedy this is for you and your family.”

                              “I heard about what happened and felt compelled to come and see you.”

                             “How tough this must be for you and your family.”

                            “I was shocked when I heard the news.”

                            “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”

                           “My heart hurts for you and your family.”

                          “I feel terrible about what happened.”

    4.  It is alright to say NOTHING…you may be entirely honest in saying “I just don’t

know what to say.”

    

       

H           Hurtful things that have been said by others: (Remember do  not say anything you wouldn’t want to hear if you were in their  situation.)

          Each of the following statements will cause more pain in the life     of those who are grieving.  

                    “It must have been their time.”  

                   “They lived a good life.”

                   “It must have been God’s will.”

                  “They wouldn’t want you to be sad about all this.”

                  “I know just how you’re feeling…my *fill in the blank* died last year.”

                 “It’s probably for the best (if injuries were not survivable).”

                 “I know just how you feel.” (No, you really don’t…)

               “Just keep good thoughts and look for the positives.”

              “You just sit there and let me take care of everything.”

              “God must have wanted a *fill in the blank*.”

             “You can always have another son/daughter/get another dog.”