What do I say when someone has lost someone?

Many times when loss occurs to someone close to us we feel terribly inadequate to provide consolation to the one who has just entered in to the grief process. Some of the fear associated with approaching these individuals comes from the loss of words or our own feelings that we are having to deal with concerning the situation. We know it is helpful to surround and support those going through loss, but the script on what to say just does not flow naturally for us. Let me assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way.  In fact we should feel inadequate to some degree or at least we should feel humbled when entering other people's sacred space. I would like to make some suggestions concerning what to say and other suggestions on what should be precluded from those conversations with the grieving.

Helpful things to say:

   

     1.   Start off with what you are feeling yourself, personally. Don’t try to and make up

      words that the family member might be experiencing or wants to hear.

                 Put yourself in their shoes (figuratively)—what would be comforting to hear at this      moment?

     2.  Let the family member express thoughts first. Then you can add to them.

     3.  Here are some suggestions to consider :

               “What a tragedy this is for you and your family.”

                              “I heard about what happened and felt compelled to come and see you.”

                             “How tough this must be for you and your family.”

                            “I was shocked when I heard the news.”

                            “I can’t imagine what you are going through.”

                           “My heart hurts for you and your family.”

                          “I feel terrible about what happened.”

    4.  It is alright to say NOTHING…you may be entirely honest in saying “I just don’t

know what to say.”

    

       

H           Hurtful things that have been said by others: (Remember do  not say anything you wouldn’t want to hear if you were in their  situation.)

          Each of the following statements will cause more pain in the life     of those who are grieving.  

                    “It must have been their time.”  

                   “They lived a good life.”

                   “It must have been God’s will.”

                  “They wouldn’t want you to be sad about all this.”

                  “I know just how you’re feeling…my *fill in the blank* died last year.”

                 “It’s probably for the best (if injuries were not survivable).”

                 “I know just how you feel.” (No, you really don’t…)

               “Just keep good thoughts and look for the positives.”

              “You just sit there and let me take care of everything.”

              “God must have wanted a *fill in the blank*.”

             “You can always have another son/daughter/get another dog.”

    

Sermon Discussion Guide 12-16-2012 The god of Adam Lanz Context: The children of Sandy Hook and our nation were unaware last Friday that evil of the worst kind would show up on their campus. Evil came in with guns drawn and blazing. Today's sermon will look to God for reconciliation in the midst of tragedy. Text: Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for every event under the sun. Psalm 22 -- My God, My God why have you forsake me! Psalm 23 -- The Lord is my Shepherd! Discussion Questions 1. Why do bad things happen? Ecc 3:1 (Mark Donaldson) 2. How do I reconcile the bad things that happen? (Psalm 22) 3. Who do I follow in the midst of Crisis? (Psalm 23) 4. What kind of world did God create? 5. What changes happened in the world because of Satan? 6. What does the world look after Jesus intervened? 7. How do I come back to Jesus after the anger fades away? ___________ my grief…. Matt. 5:4 ___________from others … Galatians 6:2 ___________what’s important… Lk 12:15 ___________ on Christ…. Lk 12:15

Where do you turn when things go wrong . . ..

Where Do You Turn When Things Go Wrong?

Discussion Guide

8-26-2012

Text:   Psalm 46:1

1God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.

Summary

Sometimes in the midst of life things turn upside down.  different people through the years have tried to package these times in different ways. Kubler-Ross gave us the stages of grief.  Her process identifies the stages of grief, however, it makes us feel awkward at best when we grieve out of snync with her premise. 

David in more than half the Psalms walks us through the process with His laments.  Today we are going to look at the solution instead of the process. The answer is God!  If you hurt beyond your wildest measure turn to God.  It does not matter what the emotion is, or how anger you are, God is the Solution!

Discussion Questions

1.  Where do you turn in times of disorientation?

2.  What does the bible say about handling the disruptions of death, dying and tragedy?

3.  What three descriptors in Psalm 46 help us understand where to turn?

4.  Name several things that make God perfect to help us in times of pain?(don't stray from Ps 46)

5.  How important is it to recognize God's timing in all of our life events?(not on the day of the event)

6.  What are two reasons for God to seemingly have a delayed response?(John 11)

7.  What is the end result of suffering?

Scripture

            Psalm 46: 1-14            Romans 5:3-5

            John 11: 20-27

            Romans 8:28

            James 1:2